The Juggle Is A Struggle

by William Speruzzi on 07/30/2008

So I made it. I’m on the other side. I got dropped into the jungle for the past three months and I’m here to talk about it. My son, Nico was born April 3rd this year and it has been like no experience that any book, DVD or relative can prepare you for. Your system is shocked to its core. You lose all sense of identity. IQ drops. Memory takes a hit. Sentences cannot be formed. The worry. The joy. The pain. The excitement. It’s not pretty but it is rewarding. I kept thinking “You in the jungle, baby. You gonna die.”

Well, I didn’t die even though some days I woke up (woke up, that’s funny – that would imply actual sleep was involved) feeling like a creaky 65 year old man who was taped, on his knees with a ball gag in his mouth and on the verge of tears at the mercy of my little man Nico and his wanton baby hunger and development.

So here I sit preparing for a day of writing. I have the whole day to myself. The boy is in daycare for a couple of days a week. This is a short term plan until the end of the year when we will need to come up with a new plan because my beautiful baby momma’s job will only provide 40 days of on-site daycare. He seems to like it and we feel confident with the organization involved.

So here I sit writing about how I’m going to write today. Yeah, that’s how it’s been. I haven’t written anything substantial in a while except for yesterday when I wrote a spec :30 second spot that will probably go into the filing cabinet. I’m trying to break the two days a week I have to write into shorts and assorted projects one day and feature screenplays the next or any combination of that. Shorts because I’m well overdue to shoot another one and I feel I need to stay sharp – keep the cinematic eye stimulated. The features because I have a lot of rewriting and developing to do. Today is the screenplay day.

It definitely hasn’t been easy. My mind feels like murky black water. My body aches but it is getting better. Honing in a project is the issue. Do I rewrite Dyre Avenue, the screenplay I put so much time and effort into already or do I pick up where I left off with the first draft of the new screenplay I finished before the boy arrived? Both. Just have to make the time I have productive because it is limited and it goes fast. Time management is everything.

Let me just end with this; fatherhood is one of the most humbling experiences that you can participate in. It’s a combination of great power and vulnerability. You need to sustain someone’s life who can’t do it on their own and at the same time you need to shed your former self and become a different version of you. That’s not an easy task in the world we live in. Things start to happen though. You let go of the trivial and start to squeegee off the refuse that life has to offer. It’s a sense of cleaning out the garage. Fatherhood forces this upon you, to make room for what is important. Making room for the boy and my new family.

This is my new life. I guess I’m not the only one. I better go write now.

There are 6 comments in this article:

  1. 07/30/2008Gil says:

    Great post. It encapsulates how I felt the first few months with my boy. Don’t worry, the dense jungle foilage will start to thin. Can’t say that about the aches and pains, though…

  2. 07/30/2008WriterDad says:

    This is a subject that film schools have inexplicably skipped in the usual curriculum. :)

    We’re about four weeks away from starting the whole day care thing — the way my job is, I’ll have Fridays off to write. The experience you’re going through now is definitely something I’m worried about…

  3. 07/30/2008William Speruzzi says:

    Gil — Thanks for reassuring me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

    WriterDad — Take advantage of that free day. Are you worried that one day isn’t enough or about the overwhelming nature of it all?

  4. 07/31/2008WriterDad says:

    A little of both, actually. I don’t think I ever realized just how exhausting this whole dad thing could be, even on days when I’m not on duty quite as much… but I clearly don’t need to tell you that!

  5. 07/31/2008William Speruzzi says:

    That first month that is all I kept thinking. It is absolutely the hardest part. It’s really strange but you kind of mourn your old life. This is something no one tells you or talks about before you do it. The upside is you do get through it and you see how important you are to this little person that you share your DNA with. It will change you and subsequently your writing. Hang in there (he says as he types this at 4 am after feeding his son) you’re about to turn a corner (in the jungle, light at the end of the tunnel – somebody help me, I’m running out of metaphors.)

    All that discipline you talked about from the salad days, that will come in handy now.

  6. 08/1/2008WriterDad says:

    We’re coming up on the one month mark, and yeah, the old life certainly looks pretty damed good at times… :)

    Thanks for the encouragement.

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